I consistently find myself hurt, sometimes more than others. Sometimes I just need a good cry and some venting to let it out and sometimes it takes weeks, or months. I am constantly let down, constantly disappointed, constantly never picked. I crave love, I crave wanting a person so bad that you’d do anything for them. I crave being loved in return. But I never get it. I always just get disappointment. So that leads me to this… am I picking the wrong guys or am I dumb as fuck? When I really think about it, I think it’s both. I know myself, I know I can’t talk to a guy for a month, have sex with him, leave, and then when he blows me off not get upset. Yet, I let myself do that, I let myself get upset. Could I blame him? Sure. Maybe he could have softened the blow a little, maybe he could have been more straight forward with his intentions. But also, on some deep level, didn’t I know? Yes, absolutely. I’ve been down this path before… with this same guy… I’m not a fucking idiot. I knew I’d get some sort of feels after hanging out with him, and I knew it would lead to just me being disappointed, yet I still did it. That proves the point that I’m dumb as fuck. I let myself get in situations that deep down I know are going to make me upset. I suppose I’d rather have a brief moment of enjoyment, followed by distress than have nothing at all. I guess part of the optimist in me thinks oh well maybe it’ll be different. I plan things in my head about the future and wonder what if this guy doesn’t let me down? I’m a goddamn fool for love and really look for it everywhere, even when deep down I know how it’s going to end. So we’ve established now that I am dumb as fuck, but I also feel with every ounce of my being, and I’m an optimist at heart, I guess that’s not all bad. So now, do I pick the wrong guys? Abso-fucking- lutely. First, I’m a classic recylce-ist. (not a word but just go with me). I recycle men that have ALREADY DISAPPOINTED ME IN THE PAST. Again, I am dumb as fuck. Do I do this because I think they have changed? Probably yes. But I think the main reason, the driving factor, is I like being fucking comfortable. It’s so great when you’re already super fucking attracted to a guy, when you feel like you can be yourself, when you’re not overly self conscious. It’s the best. But by doing this, I set myself up for failure. I go back for more deep down knowing nothing is going to be different, maybe having slight hope, but I mean c’mon girl you know better. I pick men that have absolutely no intention of giving me what I want, (what I want is to be loved, cause like who doesn’t) and then… I GO BACK TO THEM after they have already PROVEN to me that they can’t give me what I want. WOW, I am something. I get down on myself then, I feel so unworthy, so unlovable, like I’m only good for a bang. But like, I knew this would happen? After a rejection, even a small one, I get so down on myself, I feel like such shit. I start to want a person badly, and when they don’t want me, well it really breaks me down. I wasn’t in love with this dude, I never have been, but I’m very attracted to him, I’m comfortable with him, and I don’t know what I really expected, and I knew it could go this way, but somehow here I am, upset, questioning my own self worth. Well, my good old buddy time will just have to heal this one. I shouldn’t have gotten carried away with daydreams and scenarios that would never happen. I shouldn’t have caught the feels. Hopefully this teaches me something, even though it probably won’t. In conclusion, I’m dumb as fuck AND I pick the wrong guys. But maybe, someday soon, I’ll get smarter, and I’ll pick a guy that’s right and it’ll finally make sense why none of the other ones worked out. We’ll see. I gotta just continue to hope.
If anyone actually read this, thank you for coming on this emotional journey with me, I’m sure A LOT of this made no sense at all considering I provided little context, it was more therapeutic for me, but maybe some other dumb hoe can relate to this. Peace and blessings.
thebrokenbliss 