I have written far too many posts on letting go and I find it hard to take my own advice sometimes. I find that I will “let go” in a sense, and then somehow the fucker weasels his way back into my life. And you love them, and the “letting go” goes out the window. I then find myself being so concerned with the last impression of myself. You know, like if you cry on the phone you don’t want that to be their last impression of you. I find that I don’t want to seem weak in front of someone I love. I don’t want them to know that they have this control and hold over me, even though they do. It’s completely irrational because when I think of last impressions of someone, I can’t even remember. You think about the person as a whole, not just that last conversation, but it’s still hard for me to shake. I find myself wanting to redeem myself, so I send another text, so I make an attempt for redemption all the while furthering my chance of actually letting go. My constant concern of what he thinks of me is hindering me from getting what I need. I don’t want him to think I still care about him, even though I do. I don’t want him to think he can have me whenever, even though he can. I don’t want him to know he can still fuck with my emotions, even though he can. When it comes down to it, he might not think these things at all, he might not even be thinking about you. I’m so concerned about fucking it up at the end and about him having some sort of view of me that I’m not really letting go, and I goddamn need to. 3 years of this shit, I let go and then I don’t. Am I currently in love with him? I truly don’t think so. I can see the flaws, the reasons we don’t work. It’s clear. But he somehow has some sort of hold on me that still makes me upset. I’ve moved on… but I haven’t let go. So, I say this for the 400th time, I am letting go…well I am going to give it a damn valiant effort. No more texts, no more responses. If he knows I got upset over him, if he knows I cried, if he knows I was disappointed… so fucking what. All that shows is that I’m a compassionate person who has done nothing more than care about his ass. And truthfully caring about someone is a damn good thing, and he should be so lucky that I shed a tear for him. Hype yourself up, because you are a badass. Love yourself first, because everyone should feel fortunate to be loved by you. Let’s fucking do it this time. Let’s let the fuck go.
Reasons to live:
- That first day of Fall after a really fucking hot summer
- When your phone lights up with a message from someone you love
- quality television shows
- moments where you laugh so hard you have to hold in your pee
- when you see something so beautiful you just stop and stare
- your cheeks hurting from smiling so hard
- when your favorite song comes on the radio
- back massages
- hugging someone after not seeing them in a while
- clean laundry
- movies where you’re left in awe
- seeing people waiting at the airport with flowers
- a babies laugh
- just any baby animal
- fresh baked cookies
- new clothes
- good books
- comfy ass blankets
- good nights of sleep
- fresh fruit
- that feeling when you finally crack your neck or back that you’ve been waiting to crack
- showers after the beach
- dinners with everyone you love
- babies shoes… so tiny and cute
- snow flurries
- the moment you take a really freaking good picture
- jumping into a pool after being incredibly hot
- when your favorite artist releases new music
- ice cream
- travel…even if its a mile away
- when your team wins a game
- sunsets and sunrises
There’s a lot of reasons to live, and they vary for everyone. But basically this life is weird and messy but whoever you are, wherever you are, life is better with you in it. Pick a reason to stay, and stay. We want you.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
I need to let go. It seems kind of strange, because I have already done this, I let you go 2 years ago and then you magically came back into my life. But its time again. I can’t hold on to something like this. I can’t constantly wonder what you’re up to, if you think of me, if you love me. I can’t put my life on hold and wait for something that may never happen. My heart will always be with you, and I truly don’t know if anyone will ever love you as much as I do. But for my happiness, and sanity, I need to let go and move on. There isn’t really a scenario for us to happen, and if there was I don’t know that I could trust that you’d be there for me like I’d be there for you. As much as I love you, it’s unhealthy for me to hold onto something that isn’t happening. I’m writing the post, I’m deleting the texts, I’m moving on. I’m limiting my expectations for the future, and just going to live in the now. I know what we had, and it was unbelievable, but I also know my worth and how I should be treated, and I deserve someone who makes me their number one. Letting go, moving on, please bring me freedom and happiness.
It really isn’t hard to see the reasons why we shouldn’t be together. We don’t make sense. We live in different states, we have different dreams, different life plans, there are certain views we don’t share. But even though we don’t make sense on paper, I can not tear myself away from you. I don’t believe these feelings are reciprocated quite in the same way, but you are fucking it for me. There could be a million things wrong with “us” but I will still only want you. You make me happy, you ground me, you make me feel better than anyone else has. I just feel it with you. I love you and it’s terrifying.
Many of my friends on here know this information, and this may be new information for others. These shootings are becoming more frequent, however there is still a level of disconnect for some. The mentality that “it won’t happen to me”. On March 6th 2012 my high school Spanish teacher who had recently been terminated as an employee came to high school with an AK 47. He shot and killed our principle, and then killed himself. So now you can shake of this mentality that shootings are not frequent, that you don’t know anyone in a shooting, or that it won’t happen to you, because it happened to me. It became my reality, and it is becoming the reality of so many others. Change is needed. No one should have to fear attending school, attending a concert, attending church, attending a movie theater, and attending a night club. The “criminals don’t listen to laws anyway so they would still have guns, you’d only take guns away from law abiding citizens” excuse is bullshit and you know it. Yes, criminals exist, and yes they break laws. We have laws against raping people, and people still get raped, we have laws against murdering people and people still get murdered. This argument is insinuating that all laws are bogus, that criminals don’t listen to them anyway so why are they needed. Laws are needed in order to make a society function properly, yes criminals break them however we don’t just throw away all the laws. The second bullshit excuse “if someone else there had a gun they could have killed him and it never would have happened.” A lot of the times these weapons used in shootings are large weapons. You can not take out your handgun, and think it’s the same thing as an AK 47. Also, police officers who are highly trained with guns can sometimes not kill the shooter, which makes me think that a 22 year frat boy would also not be able to kill the shooter, and if anything would just harm more civilians. Lastly, when law enforcement is looking for an active shooter, it may not be the best idea to pull out your handgun and try and shoot someone, because that is how you get killed by mistake. In Las Vegas, there was no possible way any civilian could have killed the shooter, if a civilian pulled out their own gun, they would have been assumed to be the shooter, and may have lost their own life. Now that we have the bullshit excuses out of the way, we can focus on the change that is needed. We need to open the conversation in Washington, we need to understand that these are our people that are being killed, if a foreign terrorist killed 17 people today, travel bans would be talked about, immigration would be talked about, but when an American citizen opens fire on other American citizens, we send our thoughts, prayers, condolences. We can not bring back those 17, but we can prevent this from happening again, before its your family member, or before its you. These are real people who died, these are real families who are forever changed. America, who constantly boasts about being the greatest country in the world, do better.
I mean I’m stupid for letting it happen. Thinking that what he was saying might have some truth to it? I should have never agreed to the first time, I should have never agreed to meet up with him again. But I thought it would be great, little did I know. I should have never gotten excited about it, I should have never let myself fall into this little trap that he made for me. I don’t know what his intentions were with this. Just to hurt me one more time before he leaves? What was the fucking point? I had done so well. He had hurt me so much and I had really moved on in a great way, and now we’re here again because of my stupidity. I hate myself for being this stupid, for being naive thinking that he had good intentions, but you know who I hate even more? Him. For doing this again, for ruining everything good. Why, why does this always happen to me?
It’s always the same. Tender kisses, passion. They pull you in because they smell good. You want more because it fills you up. Sometimes it starts different, but it always ends the same. Some start with drunken nights, some start with waiting for calls or text messages, some start with chivalry and flowers. They all end with disappointment. They all end with you feeling like you are not good enough for anyone to stay. How is it that they make you feel so worthy? Whether it’s a night in bed, or a day in the sun, they make you feel like you are everything, like you are enough. But then, just like that you’re so easily replaceable, like you never mattered, like you were worthless, like you weren’t enough. How come it takes me months to get over these men, but they get over me in days, maybe even hours? Is my worth not as much as theirs? Am I truly not enough? Why is it that the men are the ones who are making the mistakes, but I am always left questioning myself?
It just creeps up on you so fast. The feelings of sadness, not being wanted, feeling like you don’t have a purpose. Lately I’ve been aching for love, particularly in love. I worry that I won’t find it, or I’ll be blind to it. I feel like when I love someone, and someone loves me back I have a greater purpose. I put someone before my self, I feel like a better human. Now I just feel like a shell of a person. Empty inside, wondering why I feel so depressed and what I can do to get out of it. I feel as though there are too many hours during the day, and I am left with my thoughts for way too long. I can’t just be happy with myself, I always stare at my mistakes, I always analyze every thing I do or say. What am I doing wrong today? Because it has to be something. I’m in constant fear of alienating people I love. I try to listen to happy music, or distract myself with happy shows or movies, but the feeling still lingers. Sadness isn’t something that you can distract yourself from. “That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.”
I’m not even sure what I’m feeling. I miss him. He seems like the only person who can help me right now, but I don’t want to bug him. He doesn’t feel for me the way I feel for him. I say stuff like “let’s see each other, let’s look at flights” and I mean it, but he doesn’t. I would want to just book a flight and tell him, but I’m not even sure he’d want to host me. I want to talk to him all the time, but I’m not sure if he does. The thing is, it’s rare to meet someone who checks everything off your list. I’m talking about the theoretical husband list. When I dated my first boyfriend I was too young to even think about that kind of thing. My second boyfriend, I could see his flaws, anger problems. My third boyfriends flaws were visible as well, stoner. But then you date around, and there’s always something a little wrong about the guy you’re with, and it doesn’t go further because you know it could never work. And then, you meet someone, and you can’t seem to find a flaw about them, and you know you still don’t know everything about them yet, but usually with all the other guys theres something they don’t check off your list. They have bad music taste, they can’t hold an intellectual conversation, or they have no motivation in life. But this new guy you meet, he’s got everything. He’s smart, he’s funny, he’s attractive, he has motivation for his life, a drive, he has good music taste, he has good morals, he has similar political and religious views, and he actually wants marriage and kids down the road. These are just some traits on my check list, some things that would be ideal, some things that make me even more attracted to a guy. But then there’s the interaction, and the way the conversation flows easily, and how you’re always smiling with him, and how your heart flutters a little. Again, you still don’t know him that well, but you can just feel it. He’s the first guy I’ve met, that I haven’t been in a relationship with, but could see myself ending up with him. So we hung out, and we got to know each other and he just kept exceeding all my expectations, and I slept with him, and that was magical as well. But then he leaves, and our time together was short lived, and now I’m alone in my room at night thinking of him, wanting to just be content and not be consumed with thoughts of him, but I just so desperately want to talk to him, because he could make me so damn happy. Why do I feel like he’s the one for me and like I’m losing my opportunity? It makes me sad, but not like heartbreak, I’m not crying, I’m just paralyzed. Time moves so slow, and he’s always in my brain, he makes me feel different from the others, and I have no idea what to do.
I can feel the tears well up into my eyes, i’ve been crying a lot lately. There’s a lump in my throat and my eyes start to get watery and blurry. I don’t want them to fall on my cheeks just yet, if I leave them in my eyes it won’t feel like I’m crying. But I’m trying to text and I can’t read anything, there’s too much water in my eyes. So I let them go, cascading on my cheeks, like little waterfalls. Once I start crying I can’t hide the feelings anymore, I have to feel them. Feelings of loneliness, feelings of being unwanted, feelings of melancholy. I’m always someones second choice, no one ever feels for me as I feel for them. Am I being dramatic? Maybe. But this is what the tears tell me, this is how I feel. Last place. Always average at everything. Nobody’s first pick, not necessarily someones last either. I just want to be it for someone. I just want them to look at me, the way I look at all the others.