Rules and Games

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Why is it that at the start of any relationship, whether¬†it’s a sexual relationship or a romantic one we have to follow these rules and play some sort of game? For the most part, women know that if we act too eager, a man usually gets scared and runs away. So for us this consists of not contacting him first, and if he contacts us to deny him the first time for the “chase”. This sort of game and these sort of rules are so outdated and barbaric. If I want to hangout with a man, why do I have to deny him the first time. What if I wanted to hangout? Now we both don’t get what we want. Why can’t I contact him first? What if i’m interested in getting to know him more, why is that a turn off? Even if it’s not for a relationship, even if it’s just for sex, why do women have to bend over backwards to make ourselves more desirable? Maybe I’m dating all the wrong men, but I want to be able to do whatever I want without the fear of being annoying, or being rejected. If I want to hangout with a man, I should be able to. I’m sick of playing games, why can’t we rewrite our own damn rules?

A letter to my first boyfriend

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I’m sorry I was too young. I couldn’t comprehend my emotions. I had no way of managing, and coping with the pain I felt. I was too young to have sex. At the time, it was what I wanted, and I don’t regret it, but I was too young. I had no way of understanding how attached I would get to you. I felt like you and I were forever. I was 16 and would have married you if you asked. It was not puppy love, it was real, uncensored, passionate, fucking crazy love. I thought about you every single day. I just wanted to hold you, kiss you, make love to you every second. I was so in love with you, you were my first. I’m sorry I threatened to kill myself. I didn’t know what to do with the excruciating pain I was feeling. ¬† I’m sorry I wouldn’t leave you alone, that I would constantly need your attention. That I would tell you I wanted to kill myself just so that you would pay attention to me. It wasn’t your burden to carry, you were too young as well. The pain was real, I fell into a deep spiral of depression, but it wasn’t your fault. We were in high school, we weren’t going to be together forever. I don’t blame you for making me depressed, any man I was in love with at such a young age would have made me feel the same way. It was me, I kept falling into a hole. I felt like you had died, like I had lost you forever. I felt like a large piece of me was missing. A life without you felt like a life not worth living. I’d cut myself to feel anything other than the throbbing of my heart. I dreamed of suicide just so I wouldn’t have to feel anything anymore. I wanted to be out of the misery, in any possible way. But I did come out of the misery, and I am still alive. The experience taught me so much. It taught me that a good therapist can change your entire life. It taught me that anti-depressants shouldn’t be looked at as an enemy but rather as my savior. It taught me that I am stronger than this, I am strong enough to not let love ruin me. It taught me how to act in my next heartbreak, I didn’t contact him after, I didn’t tell him how heart broken I was, and most importantly I didn’t tell him about how I wanted to commit suicide. Partly, because this time I didn’t want to. I knew that life gets better, my next great love is just waiting around the corner. One day I will be married, and incandescently happy and all of this pain will be worth it. Again, I’m sorry I was too young. If we had met now and broken up, I would have responded better. I wouldn’t have needed all your attention. I always wonder if we ever could have been friends, if I hadn’t acted the way I did if we could have still remained in each others lives. I’ll never know. My depression wasn’t yours to deal with. You were only a child too. I’ve grown, I’ve learned, I’ve survived. And for that I thank you, for showing me that I am stronger than I could have ever imagined.

Crushing

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It is always the same feeling for me. I get excited too easily and usually am let down, or you could say crushed. It doesn’t take a lot for me to be crushing. First there’s that immediate attraction. I see the guy at the bar or a party and am instantly drawn to him just from his appearance. Then I talk to him, for me the guy is always funny and makes me laugh. He puts a smile on my face, and I enjoy every moment that we are conversing. Then at some point, we kiss. That is usually what seals the deal on the crush. I get butterflies in my stomach, I’m excited about life, there is someone for me to think about. It’s not even like I’m looking for a relationship with this crush, or anything on those terms. It’s just an overwhelming sense of excitement, and it’s even better when it’s come after intense amounts of heartbreak. The excitement comes from optimism, you don’t know this person, you don’t know their flaws yet, you don’t really know how well you would get a long, but still there’s that feeling in your chest that makes the world go round. The optimistic feeling that you might run into them, or see them again, where potentially more could happen. Sometimes my head gets too far ahead, and nothing ends up happening, but I still hold on to the excitement of a crush, because one day it’s going to end up working out for me, and all the ups and downs will be worth it.