It’s always the same. Tender kisses, passion. They pull you in because they smell good. You want more because it fills you up. Sometimes it starts different, but it always ends the same. Some start with drunken nights, some start with waiting for calls or text messages, some start with chivalry and flowers. They all end with disappointment. They all end with you feeling like you are not good enough for anyone to stay. How is it that they make you feel so worthy? Whether it’s a night in bed, or a day in the sun, they make you feel like you are everything, like you are enough. But then, just like that you’re so easily replaceable, like you never mattered, like you were worthless, like you weren’t enough. How come it takes me months to get over these men, but they get over me in days, maybe even hours? Is my worth not as much as theirs? Am I truly not enough? Why is it that the men are the ones who are making the mistakes, but I am always left questioning myself?
It just creeps up on you so fast. The feelings of sadness, not being wanted, feeling like you don’t have a purpose. Lately I’ve been aching for love, particularly in love. I worry that I won’t find it, or I’ll be blind to it. I feel like when I love someone, and someone loves me back I have a greater purpose. I put someone before my self, I feel like a better human. Now I just feel like a shell of a person. Empty inside, wondering why I feel so depressed and what I can do to get out of it. I feel as though there are too many hours during the day, and I am left with my thoughts for way too long. I can’t just be happy with myself, I always stare at my mistakes, I always analyze every thing I do or say. What am I doing wrong today? Because it has to be something. I’m in constant fear of alienating people I love. I try to listen to happy music, or distract myself with happy shows or movies, but the feeling still lingers. Sadness isn’t something that you can distract yourself from. “That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.”