2016

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2016… It has been a year filled with tremendous amounts of love and joy, but it has also been a year filled with an overwhelming amount of sadness and disappointment. Yes, I am talking about the moment when we lost our country to nothing less than a bully. However, I am also talking about some personal reasons why 2016 has felt like the year that will never end. I’ll start by saying the beginning of my 2016 was rather pleasant. I was in a happy, committed relationship, I was doing well in school, and I had things to look forward too. As the school year concluded my world was rocked, shaken, broken in half by a man who had no intentions of keeping his promises. (While it would be ironic if this man was Donald Trump, this man was actually named James Palmer.) My heart was broken, not down the middle, not in a poetic lovesick way, but shattered into a million pieces, and even if I tried to put it back together, James Palmer took a piece and my heart would no longer be whole. While this sounds very theatrical, it is exactly how I felt… and it only became worse. See James Palmer ended up not being a very nice guy, he left me only to replace me two weeks later. Feeling replaceable is a feeling I would not wish on my worst enemy, it makes you feel worthless, it made me question everything. If he could replace me so quickly, what am I doing wrong? Luckily, through soul searching (in other words copious amounts of alcohol) I have found that it wasn’t me, but rather him. I have discovered that I will never let a boy paint me black when I am golden. After coping with this personal tragedy, I found myself lost in another one. I am not alone when I say that I did not predict a Trump win. I was optimistic for our country, I was excited that a woman would finally be representing us. However, like so many of us, I was terribly wrong. I didn’t expect to feel the emotions that I felt. The next day I didn’t get out of bed, I cried and I laid there disappointed in my country. I cried for the women of this country, that fear the rights of their own bodies might be taken away. I cried for the LGBT community, that feared for their rights that they had only just gotten. I cried for the people of color, who were scared for what their lives might be like under a Trump presidency, how discrimination will only become worse. My emotions spiraled by the lack of support from the republican party. Laughing at our feelings, ridiculing us for having emotions. I found solace in friends of similar minds. I coped with my feelings and reached out to everyone, the best I knew how. I am optimistic for a better 2017. I am desperatley hoping that everyone proves me wrong. I am here for anyone that needs a friend. I will not lose my hope, I will not let the disastrous year make me a cynic, I will always rise above.

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that one thing

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Things can be going seemingly well. In fact you are happy, but there is that one thing that consumes your brain, makes you feel lonely and sad, makes you feel worthless…a man. See I had been talking to this man for a few weeks, we had hooked up. (Before I get judgements I am a college female, this is quite normal and p.s. it’s my body) After I hook up with a guy I tend to like it to be steady. I am leaving to study abroad next semester, I’m not trying to wife this guy up, just engage in some good sex. I thought things were fine and then BAM they weren’t. We started talking less each day, but the real kicker is when he would just blatantly ignore my requests to hangout…again I’m just trying to get laid nothing more. Things like this make a young woman question herself. What did I do? Why is he ignoring me? Why can’t we just hook up? Did I do something? Is it me? When in reality it isn’t me, and rather this boy who seems to be a bit of an asshole. But why is it that things can be going well but that one thing makes you question yourself and makes you feel powerful emotions? I will never attempt to understand the workings of the male mind, but I wish I could grasp my own and stop myself from doubting myself all because a boy has ignored me.