The worst pain in the world, worse than stubbing your toe, hitting your nose in the wrong spot, or getting hit in the balls, is heartbreak. Loving someone with everything you have, and it still not being enough can make one feel rather depressed. Having someone swoop in and take your man. You want to hate them, you do hate them, but you still can’t find a single flaw on them. They say time heals all, and I am a strong believe that it does. But it doesn’t change the way it feels now. That gut wrenching, I could be sick any moment feeling. Your eyes and face are always puffy, because you can’t go an hour without crying. Your whole body feels as if its shutting down. You either eat everything in your pantry at once, or don’t eat for days a time. And eventually you’ll be able to look back and think about how stupid you were for being so upset over a boy who was unable to see the light inside you. But for now, it hurts like hell, and it will for a while.
If I had to label myself as anything I would consider myself agnostic. I don’t know what I believe in, but I know a couple things for sure. I don’t think everything happens for a reason, I don’t believe there’s a good reason behind the holocaust, or that there’s a good reason behind children getting diagnosed with cancer everyday. I don’t believe that only “God” can save me. I believe everyone can save themselves. I believe there’s too much evidence about evolution to actually believe in bullshit like Adam and Eve. I believe that if the Christian God is real, he’s a real dick. Do you know how much rape/incest/murder is in the Bible, well I can tell you it’s too much. I think Piper Chapman from Orange is The New Black puts it nicely. “I believe in science. I believe in evolution. I believe in Nate Silver and Neil deGrasse Tyson, and Christopher Hitchens. Although I do admit he could be a kind of an asshole. I cannot get behind some supreme being who weighs in on the Tony Awards while a million people get whacked with machetes. I don’t believe a billion Indians are going to hell. I don’t think we get cancer to learn life lessons, and I don’t believe that people die young because God needs another angel. I think it’s just bullshit, and on some level, I think we all know that, I mean, don’t you?… Look I understand that religion makes it easier to deal with all of the random shitty things that happen to us. And I wish I could get on that ride, I’m sure I would be happier. But I can’t . Feeling aren’t enough. I need it to be real”
Amen Piper, Amen.
Thank God for modern medicine and antibiotics, the last few days have been misery. Can they please be over?
I’m the one that should be fine. I’m the one that didn’t want to make it work in college, I’m the one that didn’t love you like you loved me. But I’m the one thats crying over you. I’m the one that misses you and misses us. I’m the one that see’s a video or picture of you with someone else and breaks down. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Seeing you with someone else, seeing you happy with them, and them happy with you makes my stomach upset. Instantly it tightens and starts turning, I feel as if I could throw up. Just because she’s perfect, and she’s better than me, and you’re probably happier with her than you could have ever been with me. Maybe I’m having a little pity party for myself, but it hurts. And anyone who’s been through it knows. One of the worst parts of a breakup is seeing them happy with someone else.
Sex with the lights on or off? Some people believe if you can have sex with the lights on it means that there is an extreme attraction. However if you’re having sex period (without alcohol) isn’t there an obvious attraction? Lights off can set the mood more, its more romantic and intimate. However if its a one time fling, what does one prefer? The obvious advantage of having the lights off is that you can barley make out ones body. So ladies if you’re not feeling like you have the best breasts or the flattest stomach, it doesn’t matter cause he’s not going to see it. And men if you don’t have toned abs or muscular arms, its irrelevant. If you’re in a relationship, lights on or off doesn’t matter, you see each other at your worst anyway. But if its a one night stand, for the most part the lights are off. One of the ideas with this is that with the lights off you can imagine whoever you want, but not every humans touch is the same, kiss, or scent is the same. Even if the lights are off and your eyesight is shot, don’t the other senses prevail? Some women would be flattered if a man wants to leave the light on, others could find it odd and annoying, and the rest may be too insecure with their bodies. Whatever you prefer, lights on or off, at least you’re getting off.
I recently got out of an abusive relationship, with no cuts, bruises or scars on my body. This abuse was verbal abuse. Every time this man had even a sip of alcohol, he went off on me. Everything I possibly do wrong in our relationship, every flaw I have, every mistake I made, he decided to point out. He emotionally attacked me. He would purposely say things to me knowing it would make me upset. He would call me a “piece of shit” and repeatidly ask me “why are you a piece of shit” when I responded saying I didn’t think I was, he’d keep asking and eventually raise his voice and get more angry. It was so bad I had to get other people involved, I could not deal with his verbal abuse alone. The next morning he’d wake up and apologize. He would tell me he felt sick to his stomach about how he acted. And I kept forgiving him. I kept thinking that he was serious about his apology, I kept thinking that he was really gonna change this time. He made it so convincing. However once again, when alcohol hits his lips, the demon came out. Eventually you have to tell yourself that you don’t deserve this. You have to realize that by forgiving them every time makes them think its okay. Abuse is not okay, regardless of the kind. Ladies, know when to get out. Know that you deserve a man that treats you like a princess. Know the difference between a fight, and verbal abuse. As for me, the man I love told me he was never going to drink again. So I will see how his actions play out, words mean nothing if they’re not backed up by actions. Sometimes people push you too far, and you need to know when to leave.
My mother has a blog also. Recently she wrote about “does death come in threes?” When she wrote it there were only two people dead, and now there is a third. First my mothers friend of ten years died in his mid 60’s. He had prostate cancer, but they were sure they were going to get rid of it. However while mowing his lawn, he had a heart attack and died. Secondly my mothers personal trainer died at age 40 of natural causes. Natural causes at 40????? He was a personal trainer obviously he was in good shape. I just don’t understand, its so sad. And now theres a third death. My sorority sister passed away at the young age of 20. Three deaths in the past month. How is that possible? My advice is to get checked regularly, make sure you’re in good health. If something doesn’t feel right in your body, DO NOT hesitate to get it checked. Life is too short, and too beautiful. Lets strive to not take a second of this life for granted, if not for ourselves, for those that no longer can.
I’ve been thinking a lot about fairytales. Ever since I was a little girl, I had this vision of Prince Charming sweeping me off my feet, and riding away on his white horse. However the closest I’ve ever come to that vision is getting picked up at my house in a red Camaro. Are fairytales giving little girls everywhere an unrealistic view of love and romance? Boys are never like the way they are in fairytales, but neither are girls. The chivalrous side of fairytales is dead. But maybe we’re just reading into it wrong. Maybe fairytales are supposed to give us a high expectation, but we still shouldn’t lose ourselves from our reality. Yes, some people get swept off their feet. Some women experience chivalry, and some men are willing to search all over town to find the one girl they had a connection with. But is it naive to think it can happen to everyone? Just because fairytales exist, doesn’t mean that you’re Cinderella, and that your Prince Charming is coming. It’s time to make your own fairytale.
How is it that if you get along with a man, you have a good connection, you assume he’s attracted to you, yet he doesn’t call. Do men just have too much pride to ask a girl out to dinner? Would men rather have their balls taken away, and have a woman ask them out? Would a man rather lose a woman, than to put themselves on the line? Personally I can’t give up a man unless I am fully aware that it is going nowhere. I would rather be face to face rejected, than wonder the what if. Although rejection is something no one ever wants, for me it is somehow refreshing. It helps me move on 2x faster, it helps me realize that obviously theres something wrong with the guy, and it helps me realize that there are plenty of better men out there. Yet men can’t do the same. It baffles me that a man can’t just take a leap of courage to see how the girl is feeling. Obviously I’m not talking to all men, but the majority. Why is it that a woman has more balls than a man?
There’s a time in everyones life when you realize that the only person who can’t disappoint you is you. They say that love shouldn’t tear you down, that boys shouldn’t make you hard. You should always be a soft little delicate flower. But after disappointment and disappointment how can one build themselves up again, and be open to love? The rumor that men are afraid of commitment isn’t true, they are terrified. But I don’t think that its because they’re terrified that they’re gonna get hurt or disappointed, its just because they’re afraid of locking down with one person. They’re afraid of being off the market. I don’t know about other women, but I would rather stay with one guy who I laugh with, have great sex with, and enjoy each others company. But somehow guys like to have that and then move on to the next. If you’re having a great time with someone, if you’re sleeping with them, and laughing with them, why would you fuck that up by looking for someone else? Yet they do, men move on like how bees move from flower to flower. So once again, how can that not make us hard? After disappointment and disappointment, eventually you’re just going to assume that no guy is good, that every guy is an asshole, and every guy is the same. Sorry boys, I know some of you enjoy commitment, but if you want us to stop labeling you as an asshole, if you want us to stop labeling you as commitment phobe fuckers, then maybe you should talk to your fellow men. If you want the label to stop, make the men stop. “Not all men” is not an excuse. The worst part is that it hardens us, it makes us stubborn about life and love. Makes it that much harder for a good guy to tear down our walls. So here’s the lesson, if you wanna love, love, but don’t open your heart to every asshole you meet. If you wanna fuck, fuck, but don’t let yourself think its more than fucking. And if you wanna a relationship, find a guy, that is different from every others (if thats’ even possible). Don’t let the disappointments make you hard, don’t let the world take away your innocence.