fooling myself

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what do I think is going to happen? This guy has already made it very clear that he is not interested in any sort of relationship. I have a couple options, I can keep hooking up with him even though I have feelings and just pretend it doesn’t hurt when he doesn’t look at me the same way I look at him. Or I could ditch now, cut the ties, rip off the bandaid. Inevitably it’s going to end and there’s a 99% chance it won’t end well. So shouldn’t I just leave now while I’m not in too deep?

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I just wanna “college”

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Since when does “college” mean fuck around, do drugs, and drink lots of cheap liquor. I thought college was time to find yourself, a time to learn, obviously a time to have fun, but having fun is not what it’s all about. I recently have been seeing this guy, he told me straight up from the beginning he wasn’t looking for a relationship. I’m totally fine with that, but curious why. He says “you know, college.” College? the reason you don’t want a girlfriend is because of college? So let’s define college, the real definition is “an educational institution or establishment, in particular.” According to urban dictionary college is a “rite of passage into adulthood which involves rampant consumption of alcoholic beverages, flagrant and promiscuous sexual behavior, and a general and fundamental disregard for any form of responsibility by its habitants.” I’m all about having fun, but this definition is stopping a relationship, stopping love. I know it may be a little presumptuous, but I know he could have feelings for me, but he’s not allowing himself to feel because he doesn’t want to miss out on all the potential ass he could get, and the potential drugs he could do that I could possibly hold him back from. Since when did one night stands, and drugs and alcohol, become more important to men than love. I guess I’m expecting too much out of twenty year old men, but I refuse for “I just wanna ‘college'” to be an excuse.

Feelings for your fuck buddy

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So recently I have acquired a fuck buddy, and it’s wonderful. Texting him whenever I’m in the mood, and having great guilt free sex. However something horrible has happened; I got the feels. I know he won’t text me unless it’s late at night or for a booty call, but I wish he would. I know the whole reason he comes over is just to fuck, and he thinks that’s all I want, but I wish things would be different. The point of a fuck buddy is a no strings attached relationship. The fuck buddy can be friends, have good sex, so basically in a guys perspective the perfect situation. I went into the fuck buddy phenomena thinking I could handle it, but I highly overestimated myself. He comes over, and we have sex, once or twice. And then he sleeps over. We cuddle, his soft arms wrap around me. His heavy breathing when he’s sleeping lulls me. I don’t want him to leave in the morning. We talk after sex before we go to sleep. We get along, we have similar interests, and not to mention he is so so attractive. I could see a beautiful relationship forming out of this, except he has no idea how I feel. He told me before we became fuck buddies that he doesn’t want a relationship. The main worry is that if I tell him how I feel, that he’ll feel bad, not want to hurt me, and end the fucking and probably the buddies. I would rather have this great sex and hide my feelings than lose him all together. Lesson one of the story: don’t fall for a guy who says he doesn’t want a relationship.  Lesson two of the story: don’t get a fuck buddy unless you are made of steel and don’t have feelings.

xoxo

M

Blind Dates

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I recently went on a “blind date”. His name is Oliver, I had spoken with him over text and seen pictures of him, but essentially did not know him. I went on the date with high expectations. He was attractive, and nice to text with. Things met my expectation. He was even more attractive in person, the conversation flowed nicely and I ended up having a really great night. I felt happy, like that first date happy that you feel. I then proceeded to go on a second date with him, and the connection I felt disappeared. Although he was nice to look at, and I was physically attracted to him, I didn’t feel emotionally attracted to him. I felt like we had no common interests, I felt slightly uncomfortable, and I felt as if I couldn’t be my true self around him. I then left without the feeling I felt on the first date. I did not patiently wait for a text from him. I did not even care if he ever contacted me again. That is not what I want. I want crazy, stupid, butterflies, dancing around the room love. And it’s two dates. And its very rushed. But I can already tell that he could never give me that feeling I want. So moral of the story, although the first blind date can be nice (or I guess it could go horribly) do not make a judgment based on the first impression. Whether the impression is amazing or awful, it’s just a first impression.

money

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It’s sad because I like to my consider myself as cultured and understanding of money. Yes my stepdad is a highly successful CEO, and he’s made a wonderful life for me and my family. But my father and stepmother are just elementary school teachers, and when I’m at their house I don’t live the life of luxury I live at my mothers/ stepfathers. So I’ve gone through life understanding my blessings from my stepfather, understanding that yes essentially my family is rich. But what I have failed to grasp is that my Dad and Stepmoms income is still enough. They still pay their bills. Live in a nice decently sized house. Drive newish mildly priced cars I.e. Honda and Subaru. I always thought I understood the other aspect – the non rich aspect. But I’m becoming shelter shocked now that I go to a school that isn’t privately run. There are people here who can not afford to be a full time student, their houses are small, their cars are still from the 20th century. I am surrounded by people who are so much less fortunate than I. And I feel as if I should apologize for the wealth and luxuries I have.