I mean I’m stupid for letting it happen. Thinking that what he was saying might have some truth to it? I should have never agreed to the first time, I should have never agreed to meet up with him again. But I thought it would be great, little did I know. I should have never gotten excited about it, I should have never let myself fall into this little trap that he made for me. I don’t know what his intentions were with this. Just to hurt me one more time before he leaves? What was the fucking point? I had done so well. He had hurt me so much and I had really moved on in a great way, and now we’re here again because of my stupidity. I hate myself for being this stupid, for being naive thinking that he had good intentions, but you know who I hate even more? Him. For doing this again, for ruining everything good. Why, why does this always happen to me?
It’s always the same. Tender kisses, passion. They pull you in because they smell good. You want more because it fills you up. Sometimes it starts different, but it always ends the same. Some start with drunken nights, some start with waiting for calls or text messages, some start with chivalry and flowers. They all end with disappointment. They all end with you feeling like you are not good enough for anyone to stay. How is it that they make you feel so worthy? Whether it’s a night in bed, or a day in the sun, they make you feel like you are everything, like you are enough. But then, just like that you’re so easily replaceable, like you never mattered, like you were worthless, like you weren’t enough. How come it takes me months to get over these men, but they get over me in days, maybe even hours? Is my worth not as much as theirs? Am I truly not enough? Why is it that the men are the ones who are making the mistakes, but I am always left questioning myself?
It just creeps up on you so fast. The feelings of sadness, not being wanted, feeling like you don’t have a purpose. Lately I’ve been aching for love, particularly in love. I worry that I won’t find it, or I’ll be blind to it. I feel like when I love someone, and someone loves me back I have a greater purpose. I put someone before my self, I feel like a better human. Now I just feel like a shell of a person. Empty inside, wondering why I feel so depressed and what I can do to get out of it. I feel as though there are too many hours during the day, and I am left with my thoughts for way too long. I can’t just be happy with myself, I always stare at my mistakes, I always analyze every thing I do or say. What am I doing wrong today? Because it has to be something. I’m in constant fear of alienating people I love. I try to listen to happy music, or distract myself with happy shows or movies, but the feeling still lingers. Sadness isn’t something that you can distract yourself from. “That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.”
I’m not even sure what I’m feeling. I miss him. He seems like the only person who can help me right now, but I don’t want to bug him. He doesn’t feel for me the way I feel for him. I say stuff like “let’s see each other, let’s look at flights” and I mean it, but he doesn’t. I would want to just book a flight and tell him, but I’m not even sure he’d want to host me. I want to talk to him all the time, but I’m not sure if he does. The thing is, it’s rare to meet someone who checks everything off your list. I’m talking about the theoretical husband list. When I dated my first boyfriend I was too young to even think about that kind of thing. My second boyfriend, I could see his flaws, anger problems. My third boyfriends flaws were visible as well, stoner. But then you date around, and there’s always something a little wrong about the guy you’re with, and it doesn’t go further because you know it could never work. And then, you meet someone, and you can’t seem to find a flaw about them, and you know you still don’t know everything about them yet, but usually with all the other guys theres something they don’t check off your list. They have bad music taste, they can’t hold an intellectual conversation, or they have no motivation in life. But this new guy you meet, he’s got everything. He’s smart, he’s funny, he’s attractive, he has motivation for his life, a drive, he has good music taste, he has good morals, he has similar political and religious views, and he actually wants marriage and kids down the road. These are just some traits on my check list, some things that would be ideal, some things that make me even more attracted to a guy. But then there’s the interaction, and the way the conversation flows easily, and how you’re always smiling with him, and how your heart flutters a little. Again, you still don’t know him that well, but you can just feel it. He’s the first guy I’ve met, that I haven’t been in a relationship with, but could see myself ending up with him. So we hung out, and we got to know each other and he just kept exceeding all my expectations, and I slept with him, and that was magical as well. But then he leaves, and our time together was short lived, and now I’m alone in my room at night thinking of him, wanting to just be content and not be consumed with thoughts of him, but I just so desperately want to talk to him, because he could make me so damn happy. Why do I feel like he’s the one for me and like I’m losing my opportunity? It makes me sad, but not like heartbreak, I’m not crying, I’m just paralyzed. Time moves so slow, and he’s always in my brain, he makes me feel different from the others, and I have no idea what to do.
I can feel the tears well up into my eyes, i’ve been crying a lot lately. There’s a lump in my throat and my eyes start to get watery and blurry. I don’t want them to fall on my cheeks just yet, if I leave them in my eyes it won’t feel like I’m crying. But I’m trying to text and I can’t read anything, there’s too much water in my eyes. So I let them go, cascading on my cheeks, like little waterfalls. Once I start crying I can’t hide the feelings anymore, I have to feel them. Feelings of loneliness, feelings of being unwanted, feelings of melancholy. I’m always someones second choice, no one ever feels for me as I feel for them. Am I being dramatic? Maybe. But this is what the tears tell me, this is how I feel. Last place. Always average at everything. Nobody’s first pick, not necessarily someones last either. I just want to be it for someone. I just want them to look at me, the way I look at all the others.
If you haven’t heard about the phenomena 13 reasons why, then you’re one of the few people that don’t go on social media or read news, and truly I applaud you for it, but for all of us who have watched the show, I have a few things to say. Suicide is never a topic that should be taken lightly. The show romanticizes the idea of suicide. It shows that you can get revenge, and you can hurt the people who hurt you. While many of the people on the tapes don’t deserve to be on there, because what they did is very minor, I can sympathize with Hannah on how the little things can seem so big. I understand how small things can spiral up, and how every little thing can cause you to fall into a hole of deep depression. However, this is never an excuse to ruin other peoples lives. She was so distraught by this school, and how she was treated, and how she was bullied, she then decides to become the bully. By making these tapes she causes huge repercussions. She doesn’t care about all the people she’s hurting, just about getting revenge. Most people who are suicidal just want their pain to end and they usually aren’t looking to blame others. Suicide is a terrible, horrible thing. It hurts me to think that people are in so much pain that they believe this is the only way, the only way to end all of the pain. I feel for Hannah in that sense, but I can’t respect the tapes, I can’t respect ruining other peoples lives after you take your own. This show scares me, it scares me that other teenagers will think this is a good idea. They make mental illness seem poetic. It doesn’t depict suicide or mental illness accurately. Remember, everyone, pain is temporary, darkness is temporary. There are countless people willing to help. Light always prevails.
why is it always me who puts my feelings on the line? why is it always me who gets upset? I feel like its never the guy, no guy has ever put his feelings on the line for me. No guy has ever been upset over me. I’m always trying, I always care with my whole heart, I always get attached. I don’t know how to be cool, calm, and collected. I only know how to feel with every bone in my body. I don’t want to anymore, I’m sick of feeling only to be constantly hurt. Well will it not be my turn anymore? why is it always me who likes a person way more than they like me? I don’t know that I will ever find someone who feels for me the same way I feel for them.
Why is it that at the start of any relationship, whether it’s a sexual relationship or a romantic one we have to follow these rules and play some sort of game? For the most part, women know that if we act too eager, a man usually gets scared and runs away. So for us this consists of not contacting him first, and if he contacts us to deny him the first time for the “chase”. This sort of game and these sort of rules are so outdated and barbaric. If I want to hangout with a man, why do I have to deny him the first time. What if I wanted to hangout? Now we both don’t get what we want. Why can’t I contact him first? What if i’m interested in getting to know him more, why is that a turn off? Even if it’s not for a relationship, even if it’s just for sex, why do women have to bend over backwards to make ourselves more desirable? Maybe I’m dating all the wrong men, but I want to be able to do whatever I want without the fear of being annoying, or being rejected. If I want to hangout with a man, I should be able to. I’m sick of playing games, why can’t we rewrite our own damn rules?
I’m sorry I was too young. I couldn’t comprehend my emotions. I had no way of managing, and coping with the pain I felt. I was too young to have sex. At the time, it was what I wanted, and I don’t regret it, but I was too young. I had no way of understanding how attached I would get to you. I felt like you and I were forever. I was 16 and would have married you if you asked. It was not puppy love, it was real, uncensored, passionate, fucking crazy love. I thought about you every single day. I just wanted to hold you, kiss you, make love to you every second. I was so in love with you, you were my first. I’m sorry I threatened to kill myself. I didn’t know what to do with the excruciating pain I was feeling. I’m sorry I wouldn’t leave you alone, that I would constantly need your attention. That I would tell you I wanted to kill myself just so that you would pay attention to me. It wasn’t your burden to carry, you were too young as well. The pain was real, I fell into a deep spiral of depression, but it wasn’t your fault. We were in high school, we weren’t going to be together forever. I don’t blame you for making me depressed, any man I was in love with at such a young age would have made me feel the same way. It was me, I kept falling into a hole. I felt like you had died, like I had lost you forever. I felt like a large piece of me was missing. A life without you felt like a life not worth living. I’d cut myself to feel anything other than the throbbing of my heart. I dreamed of suicide just so I wouldn’t have to feel anything anymore. I wanted to be out of the misery, in any possible way. But I did come out of the misery, and I am still alive. The experience taught me so much. It taught me that a good therapist can change your entire life. It taught me that anti-depressants shouldn’t be looked at as an enemy but rather as my savior. It taught me that I am stronger than this, I am strong enough to not let love ruin me. It taught me how to act in my next heartbreak, I didn’t contact him after, I didn’t tell him how heart broken I was, and most importantly I didn’t tell him about how I wanted to commit suicide. Partly, because this time I didn’t want to. I knew that life gets better, my next great love is just waiting around the corner. One day I will be married, and incandescently happy and all of this pain will be worth it. Again, I’m sorry I was too young. If we had met now and broken up, I would have responded better. I wouldn’t have needed all your attention. I always wonder if we ever could have been friends, if I hadn’t acted the way I did if we could have still remained in each others lives. I’ll never know. My depression wasn’t yours to deal with. You were only a child too. I’ve grown, I’ve learned, I’ve survived. And for that I thank you, for showing me that I am stronger than I could have ever imagined.
It is always the same feeling for me. I get excited too easily and usually am let down, or you could say crushed. It doesn’t take a lot for me to be crushing. First there’s that immediate attraction. I see the guy at the bar or a party and am instantly drawn to him just from his appearance. Then I talk to him, for me the guy is always funny and makes me laugh. He puts a smile on my face, and I enjoy every moment that we are conversing. Then at some point, we kiss. That is usually what seals the deal on the crush. I get butterflies in my stomach, I’m excited about life, there is someone for me to think about. It’s not even like I’m looking for a relationship with this crush, or anything on those terms. It’s just an overwhelming sense of excitement, and it’s even better when it’s come after intense amounts of heartbreak. The excitement comes from optimism, you don’t know this person, you don’t know their flaws yet, you don’t really know how well you would get a long, but still there’s that feeling in your chest that makes the world go round. The optimistic feeling that you might run into them, or see them again, where potentially more could happen. Sometimes my head gets too far ahead, and nothing ends up happening, but I still hold on to the excitement of a crush, because one day it’s going to end up working out for me, and all the ups and downs will be worth it.