I can feel the tears well up into my eyes, i’ve been crying a lot lately. There’s a lump in my throat and my eyes start to get watery and blurry. I don’t want them to fall on my cheeks just yet, if I leave them in my eyes it won’t feel like I’m crying. But I’m trying to text and I can’t read anything, there’s too much water in my eyes. So I let them go, cascading on my cheeks, like little waterfalls. Once I start crying I can’t hide the feelings anymore, I have to feel them. Feelings of loneliness, feelings of being unwanted, feelings of melancholy. I’m always someones second choice, no one ever feels for me as I feel for them. Am I being dramatic? Maybe. But this is what the tears tell me, this is how I feel. Last place. Always average at everything. Nobody’s first pick, not necessarily someones last either. I just want to be it for someone. I just want them to look at me, the way I look at all the others.
If you haven’t heard about the phenomena 13 reasons why, then you’re one of the few people that don’t go on social media or read news, and truly I applaud you for it, but for all of us who have watched the show, I have a few things to say. Suicide is never a topic that should be taken lightly. The show romanticizes the idea of suicide. It shows that you can get revenge, and you can hurt the people who hurt you. While many of the people on the tapes don’t deserve to be on there, because what they did is very minor, I can sympathize with Hannah on how the little things can seem so big. I understand how small things can spiral up, and how every little thing can cause you to fall into a hole of deep depression. However, this is never an excuse to ruin other peoples lives. She was so distraught by this school, and how she was treated, and how she was bullied, she then decides to become the bully. By making these tapes she causes huge repercussions. She doesn’t care about all the people she’s hurting, just about getting revenge. Most people who are suicidal just want their pain to end and they usually aren’t looking to blame others. Suicide is a terrible, horrible thing. It hurts me to think that people are in so much pain that they believe this is the only way, the only way to end all of the pain. I feel for Hannah in that sense, but I can’t respect the tapes, I can’t respect ruining other peoples lives after you take your own. This show scares me, it scares me that other teenagers will think this is a good idea. They make mental illness seem poetic. It doesn’t depict suicide or mental illness accurately. Remember, everyone, pain is temporary, darkness is temporary. There are countless people willing to help. Light always prevails.
why is it always me who puts my feelings on the line? why is it always me who gets upset? I feel like its never the guy, no guy has ever put his feelings on the line for me. No guy has ever been upset over me. I’m always trying, I always care with my whole heart, I always get attached. I don’t know how to be cool, calm, and collected. I only know how to feel with every bone in my body. I don’t want to anymore, I’m sick of feeling only to be constantly hurt. Well will it not be my turn anymore? why is it always me who likes a person way more than they like me? I don’t know that I will ever find someone who feels for me the same way I feel for them.