A letter to my first boyfriend

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I’m sorry I was too young. I couldn’t comprehend my emotions. I had no way of managing, and coping with the pain I felt. I was too young to have sex. At the time, it was what I wanted, and I don’t regret it, but I was too young. I had no way of understanding how attached I would get to you. I felt like you and I were forever. I was 16 and would have married you if you asked. It was not puppy love, it was real, uncensored, passionate, fucking crazy love. I thought about you every single day. I just wanted to hold you, kiss you, make love to you every second. I was so in love with you, you were my first. I’m sorry I threatened to kill myself. I didn’t know what to do with the excruciating pain I was feeling.   I’m sorry I wouldn’t leave you alone, that I would constantly need your attention. That I would tell you I wanted to kill myself just so that you would pay attention to me. It wasn’t your burden to carry, you were too young as well. The pain was real, I fell into a deep spiral of depression, but it wasn’t your fault. We were in high school, we weren’t going to be together forever. I don’t blame you for making me depressed, any man I was in love with at such a young age would have made me feel the same way. It was me, I kept falling into a hole. I felt like you had died, like I had lost you forever. I felt like a large piece of me was missing. A life without you felt like a life not worth living. I’d cut myself to feel anything other than the throbbing of my heart. I dreamed of suicide just so I wouldn’t have to feel anything anymore. I wanted to be out of the misery, in any possible way. But I did come out of the misery, and I am still alive. The experience taught me so much. It taught me that a good therapist can change your entire life. It taught me that anti-depressants shouldn’t be looked at as an enemy but rather as my savior. It taught me that I am stronger than this, I am strong enough to not let love ruin me. It taught me how to act in my next heartbreak, I didn’t contact him after, I didn’t tell him how heart broken I was, and most importantly I didn’t tell him about how I wanted to commit suicide. Partly, because this time I didn’t want to. I knew that life gets better, my next great love is just waiting around the corner. One day I will be married, and incandescently happy and all of this pain will be worth it. Again, I’m sorry I was too young. If we had met now and broken up, I would have responded better. I wouldn’t have needed all your attention. I always wonder if we ever could have been friends, if I hadn’t acted the way I did if we could have still remained in each others lives. I’ll never know. My depression wasn’t yours to deal with. You were only a child too. I’ve grown, I’ve learned, I’ve survived. And for that I thank you, for showing me that I am stronger than I could have ever imagined.

that one thing

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Things can be going seemingly well. In fact you are happy, but there is that one thing that consumes your brain, makes you feel lonely and sad, makes you feel worthless…a man. See I had been talking to this man for a few weeks, we had hooked up. (Before I get judgements I am a college female, this is quite normal and p.s. it’s my body) After I hook up with a guy I tend to like it to be steady. I am leaving to study abroad next semester, I’m not trying to wife this guy up, just engage in some good sex. I thought things were fine and then BAM they weren’t. We started talking less each day, but the real kicker is when he would just blatantly ignore my requests to hangout…again I’m just trying to get laid nothing more. Things like this make a young woman question herself. What did I do? Why is he ignoring me? Why can’t we just hook up? Did I do something? Is it me? When in reality it isn’t me, and rather this boy who seems to be a bit of an asshole. But why is it that things can be going well but that one thing makes you question yourself and makes you feel powerful emotions? I will never attempt to understand the workings of the male mind, but I wish I could grasp my own and stop myself from doubting myself all because a boy has ignored me.

fuck

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And just like that you forgot how much it hurts. They don’t show the part where you’re considering killing yourself in romantic comedies?. It’s like something is stabbing my heart. I want something to take the pain away, anything, please. I feel like I’m going to vomit and the constant ebbing flow of tears is dehydrating my entire body. I wonder if I’ll ever feel okay again. That slight chance he’ll come back is lingering, and giving me an anxiety attack, I want it. I need it. But even if he does, will things ever be the same? I’m going to be in constant fear that if I even have so much as an emotion, he’ll leave me. I’ll fuck him day and night, because I’m scared if I don’t, he’ll want it somewhere else. I’ll smile every damn second of the day. I’ll give him his space, to be with his boys. I’ll let him do drugs and play the drums until his heart is content. But I know, that somehow in this deep dark world of letting him do whatever he wants, I’m going to lose myself. I’m going to become someone I don’t know. I’m going to become a girl who gets fucked over at every second, a girl who lets her man do whatever the fuck he wants to her, I’m gonna become a slave. But slavery is a small price to pay. The thing is being in love will make you do some weird shit. I would rather lose myself in a man who isn’t even sure about me, than to be without him. I would rather bend over backwards for a man who probably doesn’t deserve me, than be alone. This startling, gut wrenching, pain of a heart break is enough to make you do things you never thought you would do. Being dumped will make you crazy.

sadness

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I don’t know how I can be filled with so much sadness at one time. The sun is rising and setting everyday, I have people I love surrounding me, but all I feel is sadness. It’s not poetic, it’s not romantic, it’s not dark, it’s sad. Being depressed is sad. I can look at the person I love and feel nothing. I can have hurtful things said to me, and feel nothing. I can look at all the beauty in the world, and feel nothing. That’s what depression does to you, it makes you feel nothing, nothing other than the pain you already feel beating inside your chest. The pain that pushes away your loved ones, makes you perform at a startling low rate, makes you be unbearable to be around. Why is it that sadness forces people to turn around and run? No one wants to deal with it. It’s contagious, everyone thinks if they’re around sadness too long that they will be infected with it too. They’re not wrong. Sadness has a way of latching onto people and sucking all the bright and cheerful out of them. Sadness is not my friend.

Will I love again?

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One of the worst parts about a break up, is that it completely shatters your ability to love. You don’t want anyone else, just them. And it seems as if it will always be that way, and it will, for a while. Eventually though, you will meet someone else, it won’t happen right away, but it will happen. The overwhelming doubt will eventually fade, the ” I’m never going to get married” thought will dwindle, and you’ll be able to open your heart again. But the reality is that you may be opening your heart to another heartbreak. They say with every heartbreak you’re that much closer to finding “the one” but what if you found “the one”, and he’s perfect in every way and everything you could ever want, but he has found “the one” in someone else. What if the love of your life, doesn’t love you? What if your heart breaks so many times that you give up, just before you meet Mr. Right? There are so many questions and complications about love. Where there is love, there is hope, but where there is no love, all that’s left is doubt, and an unsatisfying amount of sadness.

heartbreak

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The worst pain in the world, worse than stubbing your toe, hitting your nose in the wrong spot, or getting hit in the balls, is heartbreak. Loving someone with everything you have, and it still not being enough can make one feel rather depressed. Having someone swoop in and take your man. You want to hate them, you do hate them, but you still can’t find a single flaw on them. They say time heals all, and I am a strong believe that it does. But it doesn’t change the way it feels now. That gut wrenching, I could be sick any moment feeling. Your eyes and face are always puffy, because you can’t go an hour without crying. Your whole body feels as if its shutting down. You either eat everything in your pantry at once, or don’t eat for days a time. And eventually you’ll be able to look back and think about how stupid you were for being so upset over a boy who was unable to see the light inside you. But for now, it hurts like hell, and it will for a while.

Fairytales

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I’ve been thinking a lot about fairytales. Ever since I was a little girl, I had this vision of Prince Charming sweeping me off my feet, and riding away on his white horse. However the closest I’ve ever come to that vision is getting picked up at my house in a red Camaro. Are fairytales giving little girls everywhere an unrealistic view of love and romance? Boys are never like the way they are in fairytales, but neither are girls. The chivalrous side of fairytales is dead. But maybe we’re just reading into it wrong. Maybe fairytales are supposed to give us a high expectation, but we still shouldn’t lose ourselves from our reality. Yes, some people get swept off their feet. Some women experience chivalry, and some men are willing to search all over town to find the one girl they had a connection with. But is it naive to think it can happen to everyone? Just because fairytales exist, doesn’t mean that you’re Cinderella, and that your Prince Charming is coming. It’s time to make your own fairytale.

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