A letter to my first boyfriend

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I’m sorry I was too young. I couldn’t comprehend my emotions. I had no way of managing, and coping with the pain I felt. I was too young to have sex. At the time, it was what I wanted, and I don’t regret it, but I was too young. I had no way of understanding how attached I would get to you. I felt like you and I were forever. I was 16 and would have married you if you asked. It was not puppy love, it was real, uncensored, passionate, fucking crazy love. I thought about you every single day. I just wanted to hold you, kiss you, make love to you every second. I was so in love with you, you were my first. I’m sorry I threatened to kill myself. I didn’t know what to do with the excruciating pain I was feeling.   I’m sorry I wouldn’t leave you alone, that I would constantly need your attention. That I would tell you I wanted to kill myself just so that you would pay attention to me. It wasn’t your burden to carry, you were too young as well. The pain was real, I fell into a deep spiral of depression, but it wasn’t your fault. We were in high school, we weren’t going to be together forever. I don’t blame you for making me depressed, any man I was in love with at such a young age would have made me feel the same way. It was me, I kept falling into a hole. I felt like you had died, like I had lost you forever. I felt like a large piece of me was missing. A life without you felt like a life not worth living. I’d cut myself to feel anything other than the throbbing of my heart. I dreamed of suicide just so I wouldn’t have to feel anything anymore. I wanted to be out of the misery, in any possible way. But I did come out of the misery, and I am still alive. The experience taught me so much. It taught me that a good therapist can change your entire life. It taught me that anti-depressants shouldn’t be looked at as an enemy but rather as my savior. It taught me that I am stronger than this, I am strong enough to not let love ruin me. It taught me how to act in my next heartbreak, I didn’t contact him after, I didn’t tell him how heart broken I was, and most importantly I didn’t tell him about how I wanted to commit suicide. Partly, because this time I didn’t want to. I knew that life gets better, my next great love is just waiting around the corner. One day I will be married, and incandescently happy and all of this pain will be worth it. Again, I’m sorry I was too young. If we had met now and broken up, I would have responded better. I wouldn’t have needed all your attention. I always wonder if we ever could have been friends, if I hadn’t acted the way I did if we could have still remained in each others lives. I’ll never know. My depression wasn’t yours to deal with. You were only a child too. I’ve grown, I’ve learned, I’ve survived. And for that I thank you, for showing me that I am stronger than I could have ever imagined.

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fooling myself

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what do I think is going to happen? This guy has already made it very clear that he is not interested in any sort of relationship. I have a couple options, I can keep hooking up with him even though I have feelings and just pretend it doesn’t hurt when he doesn’t look at me the same way I look at him. Or I could ditch now, cut the ties, rip off the bandaid. Inevitably it’s going to end and there’s a 99% chance it won’t end well. So shouldn’t I just leave now while I’m not in too deep?

Will I love again?

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One of the worst parts about a break up, is that it completely shatters your ability to love. You don’t want anyone else, just them. And it seems as if it will always be that way, and it will, for a while. Eventually though, you will meet someone else, it won’t happen right away, but it will happen. The overwhelming doubt will eventually fade, the ” I’m never going to get married” thought will dwindle, and you’ll be able to open your heart again. But the reality is that you may be opening your heart to another heartbreak. They say with every heartbreak you’re that much closer to finding “the one” but what if you found “the one”, and he’s perfect in every way and everything you could ever want, but he has found “the one” in someone else. What if the love of your life, doesn’t love you? What if your heart breaks so many times that you give up, just before you meet Mr. Right? There are so many questions and complications about love. Where there is love, there is hope, but where there is no love, all that’s left is doubt, and an unsatisfying amount of sadness.

heartbreak

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The worst pain in the world, worse than stubbing your toe, hitting your nose in the wrong spot, or getting hit in the balls, is heartbreak. Loving someone with everything you have, and it still not being enough can make one feel rather depressed. Having someone swoop in and take your man. You want to hate them, you do hate them, but you still can’t find a single flaw on them. They say time heals all, and I am a strong believe that it does. But it doesn’t change the way it feels now. That gut wrenching, I could be sick any moment feeling. Your eyes and face are always puffy, because you can’t go an hour without crying. Your whole body feels as if its shutting down. You either eat everything in your pantry at once, or don’t eat for days a time. And eventually you’ll be able to look back and think about how stupid you were for being so upset over a boy who was unable to see the light inside you. But for now, it hurts like hell, and it will for a while.