2016

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2016… It has been a year filled with tremendous amounts of love and joy, but it has also been a year filled with an overwhelming amount of sadness and disappointment. Yes, I am talking about the moment when we lost our country to nothing less than a bully. However, I am also talking about some personal reasons why 2016 has felt like the year that will never end. I’ll start by saying the beginning of my 2016 was rather pleasant. I was in a happy, committed relationship, I was doing well in school, and I had things to look forward too. As the school year concluded my world was rocked, shaken, broken in half by a man who had no intentions of keeping his promises. (While it would be ironic if this man was Donald Trump, this man was actually named James Palmer.) My heart was broken, not down the middle, not in a poetic lovesick way, but shattered into a million pieces, and even if I tried to put it back together, James Palmer took a piece and my heart would no longer be whole. While this sounds very theatrical, it is exactly how I felt… and it only became worse. See James Palmer ended up not being a very nice guy, he left me only to replace me two weeks later. Feeling replaceable is a feeling I would not wish on my worst enemy, it makes you feel worthless, it made me question everything. If he could replace me so quickly, what am I doing wrong? Luckily, through soul searching (in other words copious amounts of alcohol) I have found that it wasn’t me, but rather him. I have discovered that I will never let a boy paint me black when I am golden. After coping with this personal tragedy, I found myself lost in another one. I am not alone when I say that I did not predict a Trump win. I was optimistic for our country, I was excited that a woman would finally be representing us. However, like so many of us, I was terribly wrong. I didn’t expect to feel the emotions that I felt. The next day I didn’t get out of bed, I cried and I laid there disappointed in my country. I cried for the women of this country, that fear the rights of their own bodies might be taken away. I cried for the LGBT community, that feared for their rights that they had only just gotten. I cried for the people of color, who were scared for what their lives might be like under a Trump presidency, how discrimination will only become worse. My emotions spiraled by the lack of support from the republican party. Laughing at our feelings, ridiculing us for having emotions. I found solace in friends of similar minds. I coped with my feelings and reached out to everyone, the best I knew how. I am optimistic for a better 2017. I am desperatley hoping that everyone proves me wrong. I am here for anyone that needs a friend. I will not lose my hope, I will not let the disastrous year make me a cynic, I will always rise above.

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that one thing

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Things can be going seemingly well. In fact you are happy, but there is that one thing that consumes your brain, makes you feel lonely and sad, makes you feel worthless…a man. See I had been talking to this man for a few weeks, we had hooked up. (Before I get judgements I am a college female, this is quite normal and p.s. it’s my body) After I hook up with a guy I tend to like it to be steady. I am leaving to study abroad next semester, I’m not trying to wife this guy up, just engage in some good sex. I thought things were fine and then BAM they weren’t. We started talking less each day, but the real kicker is when he would just blatantly ignore my requests to hangout…again I’m just trying to get laid nothing more. Things like this make a young woman question herself. What did I do? Why is he ignoring me? Why can’t we just hook up? Did I do something? Is it me? When in reality it isn’t me, and rather this boy who seems to be a bit of an asshole. But why is it that things can be going well but that one thing makes you question yourself and makes you feel powerful emotions? I will never attempt to understand the workings of the male mind, but I wish I could grasp my own and stop myself from doubting myself all because a boy has ignored me.

265 words on the election outcome

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Today we elected a bigot. A racist. A sexist. A homophobic. Today my country let me down in more ways than one. We had the chance to make change, we had the chance to make history, we had the chance to continue to move forward. We blew it. Instead now we are going to move backwards. Whether or not any new laws get passed, whether or not the progress President Obama made is erased, they voted for a president and vice president who believe that women don’t have the right to their own body. They voted for a president and vice president who believe women should be punished for abortions. They voted for a president and vice president who don’t have any respect for the LGBT community. They voted for a president and vice president who has no regard for people of color. For these reasons I can not give respect to Trump voters. The results of the election divided us as a nation, it shows that we haven’t come far enough. It shows that a woman is still beat out for a leadership position by a man, even if she is more qualified. We will not be silenced. We will continue to use our voices to educate the masses. I will continue to move forward without trump and his supporters. We the people, who have felt deserted from our country need to take it back. Let’s continue to stand for what we believe in. Let’s pray to god that trump proves us all wrong, but lets join together for when he proves us right.

after all this time

love, Uncategorized

A lot of time is passed. Charlotte York from Sex and the City states that it should take you half the amount of time you dated someone to get over it. Well it’s been half that time plus a month and you’re still in my brain. I’ll try and escape you and something happens. For some reason I feel like you’re everywhere. Maybe quiet literally, I will see a photo of you or see your friends. But sometimes I just hear your favorite band, or see someone wearing a t-shirt and all the emotions come rushing back. It makes me sick to think of what you’ve done to me. I have no respect for you, no like for you, but I am still in love with you. I feel like I’m more in love with the memories, and the way you made me feel, and less in love with you. I make progress, but I still feel empty. I meet new people, and create new feelings. I’m finding myself thrown into amazing opportunities, and life changing experiences, but you’re still lingering. After all this time, you’re still there. And I wonder if we’ll ever speak again. I don’t know if I could, I don’t know if I like the person you are. I don’t feel like you’re the same man I know. But I miss you every damn second. Are you just going to be a relationship that fades in the back of my mind? Are you going to be a boy that one day I warn my daughter about? Or will one day we be able to be friends? I don’t know the answer, I don’t know what the future holds. I just know that in the pain, one day I’ll find something good out of it. One day a guy will thank you for letting me go, I guess one day I will realize exactly why it had to happen. But for now, I will continue to drown my sorrows in whatever feels good and soul search, until my one day becomes a reality.

and I keep thinking about what this day would be like with you

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It’s my birthday, and I sit here motionless because all I want is you. I go out to the bar and feel physically sick because I keep imaging what today would have been like with you. It’s almost been a month, and I don’t know how I get through each day. I love you so much it physically hurts me. I feel like vomiting, and tearing my hair out, and screaming at the top of my lungs. I need you. I love you. I don’t know how one can survive a break up, because right now, it doesn’t seem doable.

day 4

love, Uncategorized

Day 4 and it still doesn’t feel real. I miss you more than I could even have imagined. Time passes by and I can’t feel anything except the agony. I still have so many questions, I don’t understand. If you love me, how can you let me go? I need you back, but the old you, who really loved me and wanted me. I just want you to want me more than anything. I need my best friend, I need to touch you, feel you, smell you, hear you, kiss you. It’s too much. I need you. Love of my life, come back, please come back.

fuck

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And just like that you forgot how much it hurts. They don’t show the part where you’re considering killing yourself in romantic comedies?. It’s like something is stabbing my heart. I want something to take the pain away, anything, please. I feel like I’m going to vomit and the constant ebbing flow of tears is dehydrating my entire body. I wonder if I’ll ever feel okay again. That slight chance he’ll come back is lingering, and giving me an anxiety attack, I want it. I need it. But even if he does, will things ever be the same? I’m going to be in constant fear that if I even have so much as an emotion, he’ll leave me. I’ll fuck him day and night, because I’m scared if I don’t, he’ll want it somewhere else. I’ll smile every damn second of the day. I’ll give him his space, to be with his boys. I’ll let him do drugs and play the drums until his heart is content. But I know, that somehow in this deep dark world of letting him do whatever he wants, I’m going to lose myself. I’m going to become someone I don’t know. I’m going to become a girl who gets fucked over at every second, a girl who lets her man do whatever the fuck he wants to her, I’m gonna become a slave. But slavery is a small price to pay. The thing is being in love will make you do some weird shit. I would rather lose myself in a man who isn’t even sure about me, than to be without him. I would rather bend over backwards for a man who probably doesn’t deserve me, than be alone. This startling, gut wrenching, pain of a heart break is enough to make you do things you never thought you would do. Being dumped will make you crazy.

sadness

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I don’t know how I can be filled with so much sadness at one time. The sun is rising and setting everyday, I have people I love surrounding me, but all I feel is sadness. It’s not poetic, it’s not romantic, it’s not dark, it’s sad. Being depressed is sad. I can look at the person I love and feel nothing. I can have hurtful things said to me, and feel nothing. I can look at all the beauty in the world, and feel nothing. That’s what depression does to you, it makes you feel nothing, nothing other than the pain you already feel beating inside your chest. The pain that pushes away your loved ones, makes you perform at a startling low rate, makes you be unbearable to be around. Why is it that sadness forces people to turn around and run? No one wants to deal with it. It’s contagious, everyone thinks if they’re around sadness too long that they will be infected with it too. They’re not wrong. Sadness has a way of latching onto people and sucking all the bright and cheerful out of them. Sadness is not my friend.

why big is not always beautiful

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Our society has become so politically correct that we no longer can just accept that people are fat. We have to tell them that “big is beautiful” that “you need to be comfortable in your own skin” etc. By no means am I suggesting that we should fat or body shame, but big is not always beautiful. I’m not talking about outside appearance, I’m talking about how being overweight is rediculously unhealthy for your body. I’ll take one for the team and share my body mass index. I’m 5’5 and roughly around 123 pounds. According to the national heart, lung, and blood institute my BMI is 20.5, normal weight ranges from 18.5-24.9. So I am right in the middle of the spectrum, however I have high cholesterol, high triglycerides, and low amounts of protein. Once again, I am in the middle of the BMI spectrum for NORMAL WEIGHT. Lets take someone who is 5’5 and 173 pounds, 50 pounds more than me. They have a body mass index of 28.8, overweight is 25-29.9 and obese is anything over 30. They would be 50 pounds more than me, and close to being considered obese. Think of all the health problems I told you I have at a normal weight. Well, what does obesity do to you? Again, according to the national heart, lung, and blood institute, being overweight/obese can cause coronary heart disease, high blood pressure, stroke, type 2 diabetes, abnormal blood fat, metabolic syndrome, cancer, osteoarthritis, sleep apnea, obesity hypoventilation syndrome, reproductive problems, and gallstones. Nearly all of these have the underlining word, death. Death from being fat, death from not taking care of your body. Think about it, your heart now has to pump more blood than it ever has, your veins have been stretched out to accommodate your growing body. It’s not healthy. I encourage everyone to get a blood test, see where you’re at health wise, watch what you eat, and excersize. DO NOT fat shame, but lets end the stigma surrounding big people, it’s great to be comfortable in your own skin, but what are you compromising by pretending this isn’t a problem?

Homesickness… is it a good thing?

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I, like most teenagers wanted to leave the nest for university. So I decided on a school that’s a 5 hour drive from home. My mother came to visit me this week, she hasn’t even left yet and I miss her. And now I miss home. My hometown was great, it had a good university why didn’t I just go there? I often ponder this thought, I could have kept my job, I could have been close to my family. But I wouldn’t gain this experience. Going to college 5 hours away from home forced me to really be independent. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, and I believe this to be true. When I’m away from home, I miss it immensely. But I remember when I was home this summer, all I wanted to do was be back at school. We always want we don’t have. Ultimately I’m going to miss my family and my friends back home, but that’s life. At some point you move away, and this experience has made me put my big girl panties on. I now have to go to my doctors appointments alone, I have to cook all my own food, and clean my own house. I have to pick up my own prescriptions. This was all going to inevitably happen at some point, but college is supposed to be the time to break from the nest. And like Bon Jovi reminds me everyday, who says you can’t go home? (after I get my BA of course)