A letter to my first boyfriend

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I’m sorry I was too young. I couldn’t comprehend my emotions. I had no way of managing, and coping with the pain I felt. I was too young to have sex. At the time, it was what I wanted, and I don’t regret it, but I was too young. I had no way of understanding how attached I would get to you. I felt like you and I were forever. I was 16 and would have married you if you asked. It was not puppy love, it was real, uncensored, passionate, fucking crazy love. I thought about you every single day. I just wanted to hold you, kiss you, make love to you every second. I was so in love with you, you were my first. I’m sorry I threatened to kill myself. I didn’t know what to do with the excruciating pain I was feeling.   I’m sorry I wouldn’t leave you alone, that I would constantly need your attention. That I would tell you I wanted to kill myself just so that you would pay attention to me. It wasn’t your burden to carry, you were too young as well. The pain was real, I fell into a deep spiral of depression, but it wasn’t your fault. We were in high school, we weren’t going to be together forever. I don’t blame you for making me depressed, any man I was in love with at such a young age would have made me feel the same way. It was me, I kept falling into a hole. I felt like you had died, like I had lost you forever. I felt like a large piece of me was missing. A life without you felt like a life not worth living. I’d cut myself to feel anything other than the throbbing of my heart. I dreamed of suicide just so I wouldn’t have to feel anything anymore. I wanted to be out of the misery, in any possible way. But I did come out of the misery, and I am still alive. The experience taught me so much. It taught me that a good therapist can change your entire life. It taught me that anti-depressants shouldn’t be looked at as an enemy but rather as my savior. It taught me that I am stronger than this, I am strong enough to not let love ruin me. It taught me how to act in my next heartbreak, I didn’t contact him after, I didn’t tell him how heart broken I was, and most importantly I didn’t tell him about how I wanted to commit suicide. Partly, because this time I didn’t want to. I knew that life gets better, my next great love is just waiting around the corner. One day I will be married, and incandescently happy and all of this pain will be worth it. Again, I’m sorry I was too young. If we had met now and broken up, I would have responded better. I wouldn’t have needed all your attention. I always wonder if we ever could have been friends, if I hadn’t acted the way I did if we could have still remained in each others lives. I’ll never know. My depression wasn’t yours to deal with. You were only a child too. I’ve grown, I’ve learned, I’ve survived. And for that I thank you, for showing me that I am stronger than I could have ever imagined.

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Crushing

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It is always the same feeling for me. I get excited too easily and usually am let down, or you could say crushed. It doesn’t take a lot for me to be crushing. First there’s that immediate attraction. I see the guy at the bar or a party and am instantly drawn to him just from his appearance. Then I talk to him, for me the guy is always funny and makes me laugh. He puts a smile on my face, and I enjoy every moment that we are conversing. Then at some point, we kiss. That is usually what seals the deal on the crush. I get butterflies in my stomach, I’m excited about life, there is someone for me to think about. It’s not even like I’m looking for a relationship with this crush, or anything on those terms. It’s just an overwhelming sense of excitement, and it’s even better when it’s come after intense amounts of heartbreak. The excitement comes from optimism, you don’t know this person, you don’t know their flaws yet, you don’t really know how well you would get a long, but still there’s that feeling in your chest that makes the world go round. The optimistic feeling that you might run into them, or see them again, where potentially more could happen. Sometimes my head gets too far ahead, and nothing ends up happening, but I still hold on to the excitement of a crush, because one day it’s going to end up working out for me, and all the ups and downs will be worth it.

2016

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2016… It has been a year filled with tremendous amounts of love and joy, but it has also been a year filled with an overwhelming amount of sadness and disappointment. Yes, I am talking about the moment when we lost our country to nothing less than a bully. However, I am also talking about some personal reasons why 2016 has felt like the year that will never end. I’ll start by saying the beginning of my 2016 was rather pleasant. I was in a happy, committed relationship, I was doing well in school, and I had things to look forward too. As the school year concluded my world was rocked, shaken, broken in half by a man who had no intentions of keeping his promises. (While it would be ironic if this man was Donald Trump, this man was actually named James Palmer.) My heart was broken, not down the middle, not in a poetic lovesick way, but shattered into a million pieces, and even if I tried to put it back together, James Palmer took a piece and my heart would no longer be whole. While this sounds very theatrical, it is exactly how I felt… and it only became worse. See James Palmer ended up not being a very nice guy, he left me only to replace me two weeks later. Feeling replaceable is a feeling I would not wish on my worst enemy, it makes you feel worthless, it made me question everything. If he could replace me so quickly, what am I doing wrong? Luckily, through soul searching (in other words copious amounts of alcohol) I have found that it wasn’t me, but rather him. I have discovered that I will never let a boy paint me black when I am golden. After coping with this personal tragedy, I found myself lost in another one. I am not alone when I say that I did not predict a Trump win. I was optimistic for our country, I was excited that a woman would finally be representing us. However, like so many of us, I was terribly wrong. I didn’t expect to feel the emotions that I felt. The next day I didn’t get out of bed, I cried and I laid there disappointed in my country. I cried for the women of this country, that fear the rights of their own bodies might be taken away. I cried for the LGBT community, that feared for their rights that they had only just gotten. I cried for the people of color, who were scared for what their lives might be like under a Trump presidency, how discrimination will only become worse. My emotions spiraled by the lack of support from the republican party. Laughing at our feelings, ridiculing us for having emotions. I found solace in friends of similar minds. I coped with my feelings and reached out to everyone, the best I knew how. I am optimistic for a better 2017. I am desperatley hoping that everyone proves me wrong. I am here for anyone that needs a friend. I will not lose my hope, I will not let the disastrous year make me a cynic, I will always rise above.

that one thing

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Things can be going seemingly well. In fact you are happy, but there is that one thing that consumes your brain, makes you feel lonely and sad, makes you feel worthless…a man. See I had been talking to this man for a few weeks, we had hooked up. (Before I get judgements I am a college female, this is quite normal and p.s. it’s my body) After I hook up with a guy I tend to like it to be steady. I am leaving to study abroad next semester, I’m not trying to wife this guy up, just engage in some good sex. I thought things were fine and then BAM they weren’t. We started talking less each day, but the real kicker is when he would just blatantly ignore my requests to hangout…again I’m just trying to get laid nothing more. Things like this make a young woman question herself. What did I do? Why is he ignoring me? Why can’t we just hook up? Did I do something? Is it me? When in reality it isn’t me, and rather this boy who seems to be a bit of an asshole. But why is it that things can be going well but that one thing makes you question yourself and makes you feel powerful emotions? I will never attempt to understand the workings of the male mind, but I wish I could grasp my own and stop myself from doubting myself all because a boy has ignored me.

265 words on the election outcome

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Today we elected a bigot. A racist. A sexist. A homophobic. Today my country let me down in more ways than one. We had the chance to make change, we had the chance to make history, we had the chance to continue to move forward. We blew it. Instead now we are going to move backwards. Whether or not any new laws get passed, whether or not the progress President Obama made is erased, they voted for a president and vice president who believe that women don’t have the right to their own body. They voted for a president and vice president who believe women should be punished for abortions. They voted for a president and vice president who don’t have any respect for the LGBT community. They voted for a president and vice president who has no regard for people of color. For these reasons I can not give respect to Trump voters. The results of the election divided us as a nation, it shows that we haven’t come far enough. It shows that a woman is still beat out for a leadership position by a man, even if she is more qualified. We will not be silenced. We will continue to use our voices to educate the masses. I will continue to move forward without trump and his supporters. We the people, who have felt deserted from our country need to take it back. Let’s continue to stand for what we believe in. Let’s pray to god that trump proves us all wrong, but lets join together for when he proves us right.

after all this time

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A lot of time is passed. Charlotte York from Sex and the City states that it should take you half the amount of time you dated someone to get over it. Well it’s been half that time plus a month and you’re still in my brain. I’ll try and escape you and something happens. For some reason I feel like you’re everywhere. Maybe quiet literally, I will see a photo of you or see your friends. But sometimes I just hear your favorite band, or see someone wearing a t-shirt and all the emotions come rushing back. It makes me sick to think of what you’ve done to me. I have no respect for you, no like for you, but I am still in love with you. I feel like I’m more in love with the memories, and the way you made me feel, and less in love with you. I make progress, but I still feel empty. I meet new people, and create new feelings. I’m finding myself thrown into amazing opportunities, and life changing experiences, but you’re still lingering. After all this time, you’re still there. And I wonder if we’ll ever speak again. I don’t know if I could, I don’t know if I like the person you are. I don’t feel like you’re the same man I know. But I miss you every damn second. Are you just going to be a relationship that fades in the back of my mind? Are you going to be a boy that one day I warn my daughter about? Or will one day we be able to be friends? I don’t know the answer, I don’t know what the future holds. I just know that in the pain, one day I’ll find something good out of it. One day a guy will thank you for letting me go, I guess one day I will realize exactly why it had to happen. But for now, I will continue to drown my sorrows in whatever feels good and soul search, until my one day becomes a reality.

and I keep thinking about what this day would be like with you

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It’s my birthday, and I sit here motionless because all I want is you. I go out to the bar and feel physically sick because I keep imaging what today would have been like with you. It’s almost been a month, and I don’t know how I get through each day. I love you so much it physically hurts me. I feel like vomiting, and tearing my hair out, and screaming at the top of my lungs. I need you. I love you. I don’t know how one can survive a break up, because right now, it doesn’t seem doable.

day 4

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Day 4 and it still doesn’t feel real. I miss you more than I could even have imagined. Time passes by and I can’t feel anything except the agony. I still have so many questions, I don’t understand. If you love me, how can you let me go? I need you back, but the old you, who really loved me and wanted me. I just want you to want me more than anything. I need my best friend, I need to touch you, feel you, smell you, hear you, kiss you. It’s too much. I need you. Love of my life, come back, please come back.

fuck

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And just like that you forgot how much it hurts. They don’t show the part where you’re considering killing yourself in romantic comedies?. It’s like something is stabbing my heart. I want something to take the pain away, anything, please. I feel like I’m going to vomit and the constant ebbing flow of tears is dehydrating my entire body. I wonder if I’ll ever feel okay again. That slight chance he’ll come back is lingering, and giving me an anxiety attack, I want it. I need it. But even if he does, will things ever be the same? I’m going to be in constant fear that if I even have so much as an emotion, he’ll leave me. I’ll fuck him day and night, because I’m scared if I don’t, he’ll want it somewhere else. I’ll smile every damn second of the day. I’ll give him his space, to be with his boys. I’ll let him do drugs and play the drums until his heart is content. But I know, that somehow in this deep dark world of letting him do whatever he wants, I’m going to lose myself. I’m going to become someone I don’t know. I’m going to become a girl who gets fucked over at every second, a girl who lets her man do whatever the fuck he wants to her, I’m gonna become a slave. But slavery is a small price to pay. The thing is being in love will make you do some weird shit. I would rather lose myself in a man who isn’t even sure about me, than to be without him. I would rather bend over backwards for a man who probably doesn’t deserve me, than be alone. This startling, gut wrenching, pain of a heart break is enough to make you do things you never thought you would do. Being dumped will make you crazy.

sadness

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I don’t know how I can be filled with so much sadness at one time. The sun is rising and setting everyday, I have people I love surrounding me, but all I feel is sadness. It’s not poetic, it’s not romantic, it’s not dark, it’s sad. Being depressed is sad. I can look at the person I love and feel nothing. I can have hurtful things said to me, and feel nothing. I can look at all the beauty in the world, and feel nothing. That’s what depression does to you, it makes you feel nothing, nothing other than the pain you already feel beating inside your chest. The pain that pushes away your loved ones, makes you perform at a startling low rate, makes you be unbearable to be around. Why is it that sadness forces people to turn around and run? No one wants to deal with it. It’s contagious, everyone thinks if they’re around sadness too long that they will be infected with it too. They’re not wrong. Sadness has a way of latching onto people and sucking all the bright and cheerful out of them. Sadness is not my friend.