after all this time

love, Uncategorized

A lot of time is passed. Charlotte York from Sex and the City states that it should take you half the amount of time you dated someone to get over it. Well it’s been half that time plus a month and you’re still in my brain. I’ll try and escape you and something happens. For some reason I feel like you’re everywhere. Maybe quiet literally, I will see a photo of you or see your friends. But sometimes I just hear your favorite band, or see someone wearing a t-shirt and all the emotions come rushing back. It makes me sick to think of what you’ve done to me. I have no respect for you, no like for you, but I am still in love with you. I feel like I’m more in love with the memories, and the way you made me feel, and less in love with you. I make progress, but I still feel empty. I meet new people, and create new feelings. I’m finding myself thrown into amazing opportunities, and life changing experiences, but you’re still lingering. After all this time, you’re still there. And I wonder if we’ll ever speak again. I don’t know if I could, I don’t know if I like the person you are. I don’t feel like you’re the same man I know. But I miss you every damn second. Are you just going to be a relationship that fades in the back of my mind? Are you going to be a boy that one day I warn my daughter about? Or will one day we be able to be friends? I don’t know the answer, I don’t know what the future holds. I just know that in the pain, one day I’ll find something good out of it. One day a guy will thank you for letting me go, I guess one day I will realize exactly why it had to happen. But for now, I will continue to drown my sorrows in whatever feels good and soul search, until my one day becomes a reality.

and I keep thinking about what this day would be like with you

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It’s my birthday, and I sit here motionless because all I want is you. I go out to the bar and feel physically sick because I keep imaging what today would have been like with you. It’s almost been a month, and I don’t know how I get through each day. I love you so much it physically hurts me. I feel like vomiting, and tearing my hair out, and screaming at the top of my lungs. I need you. I love you. I don’t know how one can survive a break up, because right now, it doesn’t seem doable.

day 4

love, Uncategorized

Day 4 and it still doesn’t feel real. I miss you more than I could even have imagined. Time passes by and I can’t feel anything except the agony. I still have so many questions, I don’t understand. If you love me, how can you let me go? I need you back, but the old you, who really loved me and wanted me. I just want you to want me more than anything. I need my best friend, I need to touch you, feel you, smell you, hear you, kiss you. It’s too much. I need you. Love of my life, come back, please come back.

fuck

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And just like that you forgot how much it hurts. They don’t show the part where you’re considering killing yourself in romantic comedies?. It’s like something is stabbing my heart. I want something to take the pain away, anything, please. I feel like I’m going to vomit and the constant ebbing flow of tears is dehydrating my entire body. I wonder if I’ll ever feel okay again. That slight chance he’ll come back is lingering, and giving me an anxiety attack, I want it. I need it. But even if he does, will things ever be the same? I’m going to be in constant fear that if I even have so much as an emotion, he’ll leave me. I’ll fuck him day and night, because I’m scared if I don’t, he’ll want it somewhere else. I’ll smile every damn second of the day. I’ll give him his space, to be with his boys. I’ll let him do drugs and play the drums until his heart is content. But I know, that somehow in this deep dark world of letting him do whatever he wants, I’m going to lose myself. I’m going to become someone I don’t know. I’m going to become a girl who gets fucked over at every second, a girl who lets her man do whatever the fuck he wants to her, I’m gonna become a slave. But slavery is a small price to pay. The thing is being in love will make you do some weird shit. I would rather lose myself in a man who isn’t even sure about me, than to be without him. I would rather bend over backwards for a man who probably doesn’t deserve me, than be alone. This startling, gut wrenching, pain of a heart break is enough to make you do things you never thought you would do. Being dumped will make you crazy.

sadness

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I don’t know how I can be filled with so much sadness at one time. The sun is rising and setting everyday, I have people I love surrounding me, but all I feel is sadness. It’s not poetic, it’s not romantic, it’s not dark, it’s sad. Being depressed is sad. I can look at the person I love and feel nothing. I can have hurtful things said to me, and feel nothing. I can look at all the beauty in the world, and feel nothing. That’s what depression does to you, it makes you feel nothing, nothing other than the pain you already feel beating inside your chest. The pain that pushes away your loved ones, makes you perform at a startling low rate, makes you be unbearable to be around. Why is it that sadness forces people to turn around and run? No one wants to deal with it. It’s contagious, everyone thinks if they’re around sadness too long that they will be infected with it too. They’re not wrong. Sadness has a way of latching onto people and sucking all the bright and cheerful out of them. Sadness is not my friend.

why big is not always beautiful

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Our society has become so politically correct that we no longer can just accept that people are fat. We have to tell them that “big is beautiful” that “you need to be comfortable in your own skin” etc. By no means am I suggesting that we should fat or body shame, but big is not always beautiful. I’m not talking about outside appearance, I’m talking about how being overweight is rediculously unhealthy for your body. I’ll take one for the team and share my body mass index. I’m 5’5 and roughly around 123 pounds. According to the national heart, lung, and blood institute my BMI is 20.5, normal weight ranges from 18.5-24.9. So I am right in the middle of the spectrum, however I have high cholesterol, high triglycerides, and low amounts of protein. Once again, I am in the middle of the BMI spectrum for NORMAL WEIGHT. Lets take someone who is 5’5 and 173 pounds, 50 pounds more than me. They have a body mass index of 28.8, overweight is 25-29.9 and obese is anything over 30. They would be 50 pounds more than me, and close to being considered obese. Think of all the health problems I told you I have at a normal weight. Well, what does obesity do to you? Again, according to the national heart, lung, and blood institute, being overweight/obese can cause coronary heart disease, high blood pressure, stroke, type 2 diabetes, abnormal blood fat, metabolic syndrome, cancer, osteoarthritis, sleep apnea, obesity hypoventilation syndrome, reproductive problems, and gallstones. Nearly all of these have the underlining word, death. Death from being fat, death from not taking care of your body. Think about it, your heart now has to pump more blood than it ever has, your veins have been stretched out to accommodate your growing body. It’s not healthy. I encourage everyone to get a blood test, see where you’re at health wise, watch what you eat, and excersize. DO NOT fat shame, but lets end the stigma surrounding big people, it’s great to be comfortable in your own skin, but what are you compromising by pretending this isn’t a problem?

Homesickness… is it a good thing?

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I, like most teenagers wanted to leave the nest for university. So I decided on a school that’s a 5 hour drive from home. My mother came to visit me this week, she hasn’t even left yet and I miss her. And now I miss home. My hometown was great, it had a good university why didn’t I just go there? I often ponder this thought, I could have kept my job, I could have been close to my family. But I wouldn’t gain this experience. Going to college 5 hours away from home forced me to really be independent. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, and I believe this to be true. When I’m away from home, I miss it immensely. But I remember when I was home this summer, all I wanted to do was be back at school. We always want we don’t have. Ultimately I’m going to miss my family and my friends back home, but that’s life. At some point you move away, and this experience has made me put my big girl panties on. I now have to go to my doctors appointments alone, I have to cook all my own food, and clean my own house. I have to pick up my own prescriptions. This was all going to inevitably happen at some point, but college is supposed to be the time to break from the nest. And like Bon Jovi reminds me everyday, who says you can’t go home? (after I get my BA of course)

protected or paranoid?

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It’s no surprise that yet another video has surfaced involving a police officer abusing an innocent (usually black) person. Every time I watch these videos, I cringe. It always involves the police officer abusing his power. It always involves the victim explaining that they are being hurt, and pleading for them to stop. So it leads me to the question, when you see a police officer, do you feel protected or paranoid? Obviously if someone breaks into your house, or someone pick pockets you, you’re going to love your police officer that helps you. But what about what most commonly is happening now, what about if you are pulled over? Your protector is no longer your protector. Yes, police officers have to do their job, if you’re going 75 in a 45, well shame on you. But if you forgot to put your turn signal on, a police officer should not ask you to step out of your car. You’re not supposed to resist anything the officer says, and you’re supposed to oblige with what the police officer is asking. But why would we? All these videos of men and women being held down to the ground with a gun, being pushed and shoved around. Why the hell would anyone get out of the car? Why the hell would a police officer do this? The answer is, abuse of power. The police are people, just like you and me. You don’t need a college education, and you don’t need a lot of money to join the police force. They’re regular people, and regular people make mistakes. But unlike regular people, the mistakes these men and women make at work could potentially kill someone, or multiple people. It’s time that our police force evaluates its members. It’s time that cameras are installed in every car. It’s time to take this situation more seriously. I don’t want to feel paranoid when I see a police officer, because their purpose is to protect me.

let freedom ring

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It’s been a great year in America for LGBT people everywhere. From Caitlyn Jenner publicly announcing her transition, to gay marriage being legal in all 50 states. I feel like America is doing something right for once. I am extremely excited that my children one day will be able to love deeply, love naturally, love whomever they want. Love always wins, love always conquers hate.

why did you join a sorority?

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I have had nothing but absolutely positive things to say about greek life…until now. My sorority – like most, has specific by laws that prohibit alcohol and the sorority to be mixed. (obviously its going to be mixed) But this essentially means, no drinking in your letters. No screaming “IM A __” when drunk, and no throwing up your letters with alcohol in your hands. Now these are very understandable. Our sorority should not be associated with drunken behavior. We don’t want to get a reputation that we’re just party girls, and we want to break from the typical sorority stereotype. I, who is very socially liberal, bit my tongue when they told everyone that unless you were 21 you weren’t allowed to post any pictures with anything that could be perceived as alcohol. This includes, solo cups, fat tuesday cups, etc. I understand this rule, because yes we live in America and it is illegal to drink alcohol under 21. However, what irks me about this rule is that now us girls have to think twice before taking a picture. We have to set our drink down, or fear the wrath of standards. This is when a sorority starts to dictate your life, this is when your free will and choices are being taken away. I understand, yes, it is illegal for me to drink under 21, so therefore I should not post a picture with a solo cup. However, I am an adult, and if I want to make a mistake, it should be my mistake to make. Anyway, like I said I bit my tongue on this one because I partially understand. But, now I am overwhelmed with the limitations they are putting on us. There is a big party event that is going to be held at my school during welcome week in the fall. We are prohibited from attending this event. Excuse me? What if I went to the event sober? What if I was the DD? What if I just wanted to freaking let loose and get drunk at a party? It’s a damn party, and it’s my choice whether or not I should attend. So the question stands, why did I join a sorority? I joined a sorority to build friendships and bonds with other women, I joined a sorority because of the amazing philanthropy opportunities, I joined a sorority to broaden my college experience. I did not join a sorority to be dictated, I did not join a sorority so that my decisions could be made for me, and I certainly did not join a sorority so that my free will could be taken by girls two years older than me. So you ask, why don’t you just drop it? Because, I have made amazing friendships, I have been thrilled about attending events, and doing good for our philanthropy. I don’t want these things to end, I just want the system to change. As far as I know, my sorority is the only one on my campus who can’t attend this event. For me, that means that my sorority in particular has women in charge who are drunk with power. My organization nationally is not this strict, I have sisters at different schools who are appalled by the way we are treated in my chapter… like children. We are treated like a children, I did not join a sorority to have rules placed on me, I have a mother and a father and most importantly I am an adult. It’s time for me to take a stand, I shouldn’t have to choose between the organization I love, and my freedom.