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I’m not even sure what I’m feeling. I miss him. He seems like the only person who can help me right now, but I don’t want to bug him. He doesn’t feel for me the way I feel for him. I say stuff like “let’s see each other, let’s look at flights” and I mean it, but he doesn’t. I would want to just book a flight and tell him, but I’m not even sure he’d want to host me. I want to talk to him all the time, but I’m not sure if he does. The thing is, it’s rare to meet someone who checks everything off your list. I’m talking about the theoretical husband list. When I dated my first boyfriend I was too young to even think about that kind of thing. My second boyfriend, I could see his flaws, anger problems. My third boyfriends flaws were visible as well, stoner. But then you date around, and there’s always something a little wrong about the guy you’re with, and it doesn’t go further because you know it could never work. And then, you meet someone, and you can’t seem to find a flaw about them, and you know you still don’t know everything about them yet, but usually with all the other guys theres something they don’t check off your list. They have bad music taste, they can’t hold an intellectual conversation, or they have no motivation in life. But this new guy you meet, he’s got everything. He’s smart, he’s funny, he’s attractive, he has motivation for his life, a drive, he has good music taste, he has good morals, he has similar political and religious views, and he actually wants marriage and kids down the road. These are just some traits on my check list, some things that would be ideal, some things that make me even more attracted to a guy. But then there’s the interaction, and the way the conversation flows easily, and how you’re always smiling with him, and how your heart flutters a little. Again, you still don’t know him that well, but you can just feel it. He’s the first guy I’ve met, that I haven’t been in a relationship with, but could see myself ending up with him. So we hung out, and we got to know each other and he just kept exceeding all my expectations, and I slept with him, and that was magical as well. But then he leaves, and our time together was short lived, and now I’m alone in my room at night thinking of him, wanting to just be content and not be consumed with thoughts of him, but I just so desperately want to talk to him, because he could make me so damn happy. Why do I feel like he’s the one for me and like I’m losing my opportunity? It makes me sad, but not like heartbreak, I’m not crying, I’m just paralyzed. Time moves so slow, and he’s always in my brain, he makes me feel different from the others, and I have no idea what to do.

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