A letter to my first boyfriend


I’m sorry I was too young. I couldn’t comprehend my emotions. I had no way of managing, and coping with the pain I felt. I was too young to have sex. At the time, it was what I wanted, and I don’t regret it, but I was too young. I had no way of understanding how attached I would get to you. I felt like you and I were forever. I was 16 and would have married you if you asked. It was not puppy love, it was real, uncensored, passionate, fucking crazy love. I thought about you every single day. I just wanted to hold you, kiss you, make love to you every second. I was so in love with you, you were my first. I’m sorry I threatened to kill myself. I didn’t know what to do with the excruciating pain I was feeling.   I’m sorry I wouldn’t leave you alone, that I would constantly need your attention. That I would tell you I wanted to kill myself just so that you would pay attention to me. It wasn’t your burden to carry, you were too young as well. The pain was real, I fell into a deep spiral of depression, but it wasn’t your fault. We were in high school, we weren’t going to be together forever. I don’t blame you for making me depressed, any man I was in love with at such a young age would have made me feel the same way. It was me, I kept falling into a hole. I felt like you had died, like I had lost you forever. I felt like a large piece of me was missing. A life without you felt like a life not worth living. I’d cut myself to feel anything other than the throbbing of my heart. I dreamed of suicide just so I wouldn’t have to feel anything anymore. I wanted to be out of the misery, in any possible way. But I did come out of the misery, and I am still alive. The experience taught me so much. It taught me that a good therapist can change your entire life. It taught me that anti-depressants shouldn’t be looked at as an enemy but rather as my savior. It taught me that I am stronger than this, I am strong enough to not let love ruin me. It taught me how to act in my next heartbreak, I didn’t contact him after, I didn’t tell him how heart broken I was, and most importantly I didn’t tell him about how I wanted to commit suicide. Partly, because this time I didn’t want to. I knew that life gets better, my next great love is just waiting around the corner. One day I will be married, and incandescently happy and all of this pain will be worth it. Again, I’m sorry I was too young. If we had met now and broken up, I would have responded better. I wouldn’t have needed all your attention. I always wonder if we ever could have been friends, if I hadn’t acted the way I did if we could have still remained in each others lives. I’ll never know. My depression wasn’t yours to deal with. You were only a child too. I’ve grown, I’ve learned, I’ve survived. And for that I thank you, for showing me that I am stronger than I could have ever imagined.


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